Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be is a family education guide for parents. It was the number one New York Times bestseller in 2022, which shows that the content of this book has helped many people. The author of this book is Becky Kennedy, an American clinical psychologist and mother of three, who was hailed by Time magazine as the “parenting coach for millennial parents”.

The author's motivation for writing this book can be traced back to a training program she once signed up for, with the aim of learning some so-called “scientifically proven” methods of disciplining children, including giving rewards, praise, ignoring, locking in a room, etc., which were also the interventions recommended by most parenting experts at the time. However, during the learning process, the author felt very uncomfortable. She thought that if someone applied this method to her, she would definitely feel very uncomfortable. The author discovered that these methods originated from the theory of behaviorism, which focuses on observable behaviors rather than on feelings, thoughts and needs, which are difficult to observe. Although this approach to child discipline is logically sound, its focus is on eliminating “bad” behaviors and achieving compliance, even at the expense of the parent-child relationship. Behaviorism focuses on shaping behavior rather than understanding it. However, the goal of parents is not to shape their children's behavior, but to cultivate people. Therefore, the author believes that in the process of parenting, parents should separate people from behavior, and regard their children's behavior as a manifestation of their needs. They should see the true needs in their children's hearts, which is the meaning of the book's title “Seeing Children”.

In this book, the author emphasizes a parenting principle at the beginning – parenting with kindness. The meaning is very simple: believe that you and your child are both good at heart. This statement seems very ordinary, but it is difficult to put it into practice. Although no parent deliberately thinks badly of their child, once a child does something wrong, parents often subconsciously feel that the child has bad intentions and can't help but rebuke the child, “Did you do that on purpose to make me angry?” Many parenting suggestions are based on this negative assumption, thinking that the child is playing tricks rather than expressing their inner needs. If we can adhere to the principle of raising children with good intentions and firmly believe that children are inherently good, we can distinguish between children and their actions. Children's actions are not a measure of the child, but a clue to understanding the child's needs. For example, behind the words “I hate my sister” is a child who longs for attention and is afraid of being abandoned; behind the reluctance to go to school may also hide a child struggling in a difficult situation. Behind problematic behavior is a child's unmet needs. This book tells parents exactly how to “see their children.” Of course, this does not mean condoning the child's behavior. In the book, the author also gives ways to guide the child's behavior.

Next, I will explain the book to you in two parts. In the first part, I will share with you a series of parenting guidelines from the author, in addition to the kind parenting we just talked about, there are also many very inspiring parenting guidelines. In the second part, we will solve some specific parenting problems, including what to do if your child has temper tantrums, how to deal with conflicts between siblings, and how to help your child build confidence. If you are troubled by one of these problems, I hope this part will also help you solve it.

Okay, next, we will officially start with the book.

Part 1

We have just talked about the first and most important parenting principle in this book: parenting with kindness. Next, we will talk about the second principle: clarifying the roles of parents and children. In any system, clear role definitions and a clear division of responsibilities are the key to ensuring its smooth operation. Every family is also a system, and each family member has their own responsibilities.

Let's talk about the responsibilities of parents first. The responsibilities of parents are to create a safe environment for growth by setting rules, acceptance and empathy. What does it mean to “set rules”? Let's look at an example. Kai came to Lei's house to play, and the two children played with building blocks. At first, they got along well, but after a while, the two children had a dispute about which building block should go where. Lei grabbed a building block and threw it at Kai, and then threw another one. “Stop it, Lei! Don't throw it!” Lei's mother said. But Lei didn't listen and kept throwing toys at Kai.

Saying ‘don't throw it’ is probably the instinctive reaction of most parents, but it is not an effective intervention measure. The author pointed out that in the above case, the key to the problem lies in the lack of a behavioral rule. You may think that Lei's mother has not set a behavioral rule for Lei, ‘don't throw it’? Not really. A behavioral rule does not tell the child what not to do, but rather what we will do and prevent the child from doing. An effective behavioral rule is when the mother tells Xiaolei, “I don't allow you to throw toys,” and then stands between the two children, moves the blocks out of Xiaolei's reach, or carries Xiaolei to another room, sits down with her, and prevents her from continuing to throw the toys. These measures are what sets the behavioral rule.

What is the difference between “no throwing toys” and “I don't allow you to throw toys”? Telling a child “no throwing” or “no more watching TV” is asking the child to control their impulses. But to be honest, for young children, the prefrontal cortex in the brain, which is responsible for impulse control, is not yet fully developed, so it is difficult for them to control themselves. It is difficult for us to tell a child who is hitting someone to stop, or to tell a child who wants to watch TV to turn it off themselves. And if we ask our children to control themselves, this may send a signal to them that says: “I see that you've lost control, but you have to solve this problem yourself.” This increases the child's sense of helplessness, because when a child loses control, he needs an adult to set safe and secure rules of behaviour for him. In fact, not just children, but all of us want someone to remain calm and in control and to give us a sense of security when we lose control of our emotions. Then, “I don't allow you to throw your toys around” is telling the child what I will do, and I will help you control yourself. If parents can calmly stop their children's behavior, then the children will understand that even the strongest emotions can never get out of control. The child will feel: although sometimes my emotions are terrible and out of control, for my mom and dad, they are not terrible and can be controlled. Over time, the child can also internalize this control.

Of course, in addition to safeguarding our children's physical safety, we are also their emotional guardians. Therefore, parents also need to accept and empathize with their children. Empathy is easy to understand: it means understanding and feeling what the child is feeling. Acceptance means believing that the child's emotions are real and justified. When a child is sad, if you say to them, “You're too sensitive, there's no need to be sad,” the child will feel that their emotions are not being accepted or recognized, and they may even feel ashamed of their sadness. If we tell the child, “I can feel that you are sad, and you have reason to be,” the child will feel that someone accepts and understands their feelings, which will also make the child's emotions more manageable.

We have just finished talking about the responsibilities of parents: creating a safe environment for growth by setting rules of behavior, acceptance and empathy. Then the responsibilities of children are to explore and learn through perceiving and expressing emotions. They need to understand the boundaries of their abilities, what their role is in the family, how much autonomy they have, and what they may encounter when trying new things. So when a child tries to challenge your authority, he may be expressing emotions, testing boundaries, and trying to get what he wants. This is also a learning process for the child. Once you think about it from this perspective, you can re-examine a lot of your child's behavior.

Okay, we've just finished the second parenting principle: clarifying the roles of parents and children. Next, we'll talk about the third parenting principle: reducing shame.

In the author's consulting room, parents who come to see him express all kinds of concerns about their children, listing all the ways in which they are misbehaving. A common theme that often emerges in parents' stories is shame. Let's look at a few examples.

“My daughter never wants to say sorry. Yesterday, she hid her younger sister's toy and made her cry. But she wouldn't admit that she had made her cry and refused to apologise. So I got really angry. She's so inconsiderate. Is she completely unsympathetic?” ‘My son is stubborn. He can't do his maths, and when I take the time to help him, he doesn't listen and then loses his temper. It really annoys me, and I don't understand why he doesn't want me to help him.’ ”My daughter lies a lot. She got kicked off the school football team, but didn't tell me. I told her she had to tell me the truth, that lying was wrong, but it didn't work at all.”

What are these situations? The children don't seem to have anything in common, but the author points out that each of them, whether they refuse to apologize, are stubborn, or are liars, has shut their hearts tightly shut. These children all feel guilty and embarrassed, and they then all respond in an immature way to escape these negative feelings. This is shame, which is “I can't be myself, I can't have these feelings.”

The author defines shame as an emotion that is “the part of myself that no one wants to know and accept”. Shame makes you want to hide and keep your distance from others. Children feel: I'm bad, I'm not cute, no one likes me, I have to hide my feelings and change my behaviour to feel safe again. Shame therefore “traps” the child in a state of immobility, making it appear as if the child refuses to apologize, does not want help, or is dishonest. This passivity and inertia often irritates the parents, who interpret the child's reaction as disregard or indifference. If the parents do not recognize the child's shame but instead blame the child, this reinforces the child's shame and makes the situation even worse.

Therefore, one of the essential parenting skills is to recognize a child's sense of shame, understand what situations will evoke a child's sense of shame, and what kind of behavior it will subsequently turn into, and then help the child reduce their sense of shame. So, what exactly do you do?

Let's go back to the previous example. The older sister hid her younger sister's toys, made her cry and then refused to apologize. Refusing to apologize is a typical expression of shame. The child may seem cold and heartless, but in fact she is overwhelmed by her own “badness” and held immobile by her “shame”. She cannot apologize because if she does, she will have to see herself as someone who has done something bad, so she freezes in order to escape the greater pain.

Once you notice that your child is stuck by shame, you can press pause. If the mother insists on saying to her child, “Is it hard to say sorry? How can you not care about your sister, just say sorry,” this will only reinforce the child's belief that she is a bad child and intensify the feeling of shame. We need to shift the focus to alleviating the child's shame. For example, you can say to your child, “Well, I know it's hard to say sorry. You're not ready yet, so I'll say it for you.” First, suspend the education of your child and let the matter rest for a while. Perhaps after a few hours, you will find that your child is no longer bothered by the shame. You can then say to your child, “Saying sorry is hard. Even adults find it hard!” And then see what your child will say. The point is that as long as the child is stuck with the shame, it is useless for parents to say anything, and there is no way for the child to reflect, understand and grow. If a child is overwhelmed by feelings of shame, parents need to let go of their educational intentions and let the child know that she is good at heart, that she is lovely and valuable, and that we care about her. Only by doing so can we help the child free themselves from feelings of shame.

Children of any age can feel shame, whether they are five or fifteen. Whether it is refusing to apologize or lying to their parents about not being kicked off the soccer team, it is possible that they are “stuck” in shame. Shame can also have long-term effects. For example, many adults still have some deep-seated shame. When we display behaviors from childhood that were not accepted by our parents, shame can resurface, and we feel like we are still “stuck” in the past. For example, if you grew up in a family that valued “strength” and believed that “men don't cry,” you probably heard things like, “Why are you such a crybaby?” and “No one will like you if you're like this.” As a result, you learned to hide your vulnerable side. This is shame. As an adult, you may still not be good at showing vulnerability and opening up, because you think it will only threaten your relationships with others. This can lead to a build-up of anxiety, until the day it explodes.

Like children, shame can prevent adults from changing and growing, and it affects the way we raise our children and respond to them in conflicts. So while you are working to recognise and reduce your child's shame, you can also spend some time thinking about your own shame. What part of yourself did you have to hide in the past? How does it affect you now? What part of yourself still needs recognition, empathy and acceptance?

So that's our third parenting rule: reduce shame. And finally, I have one more parenting rule to share with you: psychological resilience is more important than happiness.

We now pay more and more attention to whether our children are happy, and we do our best to give them a happy childhood. But in this book, the author questions whether parents' excessive focus on happiness may lead to a neglect of other emotions that children experience in life. According to the author, happiness is far less important than psychological resilience.

Mental resilience is our ability to remain ourselves when experiencing a wide range of emotions. It helps us to recover from stress, failure, mistakes and adversity. For children, mental resilience is very important. It is needed when building blocks fall over, when a jigsaw puzzle gets stuck, when learning new words and when being excluded by peers. Children with mental resilience can adjust their mindset, encourage themselves and keep trying. Many people see mental resilience as the ability to overcome difficulties and achieve success. In fact, mental resilience has nothing to do with success. It is the ability to endure pain, to remain calm and confident even when there are no results, even if only temporarily. With psychological resilience, happiness can last. It not only makes children happy children, but also continues to play a role and help them become happy adults in the future.

So, how should parents cultivate their children's psychological resilience? The answer is simple: empathy, listening, and accepting children as they are. Give your child a sense of security through consistent companionship, identify your child's strengths, allow your child to make mistakes, cultivate your child's sense of responsibility, and improve your child's problem-solving skills. As parents, we need to be there for our children when they encounter difficulties, letting them know that they are not alone, rather than directly solving the problem for them. If a child has difficulty putting blocks together, instead of just doing it for him, we can ask him, “What can we do to make it more stable?” Then, with a curious look, we are empathizing with the child and encouraging him to continue to face the difficulty. Parents need to always remind themselves: Am I encouraging my child to endure and overcome difficulties, or am I abetting him in running away from them?

In addition, if we focus too much on making our children happy and joyful, we may also make them anxious adults. Once parents become the “emotion police” and always help their children avoid unhappiness, without teaching them how to deal with it, then the children will develop the mindset that “unhappiness is bad and they shouldn't be unhappy.” When my son said that he wasn't doing well in running, I comforted him by saying, “But you're doing well in your studies.” When my daughter complained that a classmate didn't invite her to her birthday, I told her that the classmate must have very few friends. I thought I was helping my child, but what my child heard was probably: “I shouldn't be sad, and if I do feel sad, I have to cheer up as soon as possible.” This is not conducive to helping my child understand negative emotions, nor is it a way to build my child's psychological resilience.

Many parents want to protect their children from negative feelings, but instead of protecting them from pain, it is better to build their ability to face it. Honesty and companionship are the best ways to do this. Instead of saying to your child, “Grandma has just left us and gone to another place,” you can say, “I want to tell you something that may make you feel sad. Grandma died yesterday. It's normal for you to feel especially sad.” Then sit with your child and see how he or she reacts. The message you are conveying to your child is that pain is part of life and that if something sad happens, we can talk to the people we love and get through it together.

Part 2

Okay, so far we have covered the four parenting guidelines given by the author: parenting with kindness, clarifying the responsibilities of parents and children, reducing feelings of shame, and psychological resilience over happiness. Next, we will move on to the more practical part and talk about specific solutions to those parenting difficulties.

Let's solve the first problem first: what should I do if my child throws tantrums?

Many parents are probably faced with this problem frequently. In that case, let's look at it from a different perspective: tantrums may not be a way to deliberately cause trouble, but they are an essential part of healthy child development. As parents, we want our children to grow up to be people who can stand up for their own opinions, who say, “I know what I want, even if everyone else tells me no.” We cannot encourage obedience in our children when they are young and expect them to be decisive and courageous when they grow up. If we want our children to grow up to be assertive and aware of their own needs, we have to accept tantrums as an essential part of healthy development.

If a child starts to display aggressive behavior such as throwing things, strangling or biting, it means that the frontal lobe of the brain has been overwhelmed by emotions and has gone into a state of confrontation. At this point, the child is no longer able to think rationally. In order to prevent the situation from deteriorating further, parents need to show authority. As we mentioned earlier, one of the responsibilities of parents is to set rules of behavior. In the event that the child loses control, the parents must intervene firmly to stop the child's dangerous behavior. At the moment when the child's emotions erupt, don't try to teach the child, the only thing you have to do is restrain. As a mother of three children, the author is also presumably very experienced in this area. She said, “I sometimes keep saying to myself over and over again: restrain, restrain, restrain. All I can do is restrain. Just doing this is enough.”

What exactly should parents do? First, replace “don't do that” with “I don't allow you to do that.” As we said above, “I don't allow you to” expresses the idea that everything is under the control of the parents, and that the parents will prevent the child's out-of-control behavior. Because, as we often forget, when they lose control, children themselves also feel very bad, and they don't like their own out-of-control behavior. When they lose their temper, children are unable to stop themselves due to their developmental limitations. So out-of-control children need the intervention of adults to provide them with restraint.

You can then take your child to a relatively “safe” room and say to them: “My priority is to keep you safe. Now I will sit down with you. You are safe now, I am here with you.” Rather than saying these words to your child, say them to yourself. They will help you to feel reassured in your role as a parent. You can close the door and sit by the door, ready to stop your child hitting or kicking you with your hand, and say to your child: “I will not allow you to hit me.” And pay attention to the tone and manner of your words. Consciously slow down your speech and make it softer. Someone in the middle of an emotional outburst needs a calm, even voice. You could say to your child: “You're a good boy, you're just having a bit of a meltdown. I'm here with you. You can feel angry and upset, that's okay.”

You can also take a few deep breaths, breathing in loudly enough for your child to hear. Children can be affected by the emotional state of their parents, and if your child sees you regulating your emotions, you are also helping your child to calm down. In addition, don't try to reason, don't lecture, and don't punish. Don't say too much, because the child is in a state of being threatened, he doesn't have the energy to process verbal information, and may even regard what you say as a threat. What your child needs is your calm appearance and deep breathing, and you need to wait until the fire of your child's emotions gradually subsides. It may only take five minutes, or it may take half an hour. All of these actions send your child the message: “You can express your emotions, but I will not allow your emotions to cause damage or harm. Letting out your emotions can make you feel more comfortable, but an uncontrolled outburst will only make you feel worse, so I will not allow you to do this.”

When their child's emotions have calmed down, most parents will breathe a sigh of relief and try to quickly put the matter behind them. However, the author reminds us that it is better to review the situation with the child after it has passed. We can talk about the situation, take the child back to the moment when they lost control of their emotions, help them sort things out, and at the same time show them care, empathy and understanding. This will also gradually improve the child's ability to deal with losing control of their emotions.

Okay, let's move on to the second issue: sibling rivalry. As more and more families have two or three children, how to deal with sibling rivalry has become an increasingly important issue. When dealing with conflicts between children, many parents' approach is to seek fairness. If the older child gets a toy, the younger child should get one too. However, the author points out that seeking fairness is actually a major driver of conflict. The more we seek fairness, the more we encourage fighting. If parents always emphasize fairness, children will become more alert, keeping an eye on what the other person has and then deciding what they want. If this continues, in the long run, when the child grows up, they may also pay too much attention to the lives of their peers, focusing on what house others live in and what cars they drive. Therefore, we need to guide children to discover their own needs from the heart, rather than looking for them from the outside.

How can we solve this problem of fairness? If a child shouts, “It's not fair!” it is best for parents not to immediately try to ensure fairness by saying, “You'll get new shoes soon too!” Instead, try to guide the child inwardly, to understand the child's feelings, for example by saying to the child, “You're sad to see that your brother has new shoes and you don't, aren't you? That's normal. Can you have a new pair of shoes too? Not yet, sweetheart, you don't need a new pair of shoes yet. But don't worry, you and your brother will both get what you need. Think about it and then tell me what you need most.” In this way, children can slowly learn to look within themselves and figure out what they really need.

In families with multiple children, many parents think that siblings should be each other's best friends and should always be nice to each other. However, the author points out that these ideas are overly idealistic. Sibling relationships are very complex, and in order to ease conflicts, parents must accept the complex emotions that their children direct towards their siblings. The more we can understand our children's feelings, such as their jealousy or anger towards a sibling, the more we can guide them to regulate these negative emotions so that they do not erupt through insults, belittling, etc. Therefore, parents should allow their children to express their emotions towards their siblings to them. You can talk to your child individually about his unease or jealousy. The more you accept your child's jealousy, the easier it will be to resolve the problem when it surfaces. The more you don't allow your child to be jealous, the more the emotion will overwhelm your child. You can say to your child, “I know that life with siblings can be difficult. I also know that you have a lot of resentment towards your sister. You can tell me all about it when we are alone together, and I will do my best to understand how you feel and help you. One more thing is important: I will never allow you to call your sister names. My most important duty is to ensure the safety of everyone in the family.” If a conflict does arise between children, parents should intervene promptly to control the situation. For example, they can take a deep breath with the children, guide them to express their views, and not take sides, take sides, or label.

Well, up to here, we have talked about what to do when children throw tantrums and how to deal with sibling conflicts. Next, let's take a look at the last parenting challenge: how to help children build self-confidence.

When it comes to confidence, we often define it as feeling good about ourselves and being satisfied with ourselves. However, the author points out that this is a misunderstanding of confidence. If we define confidence as feeling good about ourselves, then we will avoid disappointing our children and not want them to feel that they are not good at something, but this is actually hurting their confidence. The author believes that confidence is not about feeling good, but believing that “I fully understand my current feelings, that my feelings are real, and that I am good as I am with these feelings.” Confidence is feeling comfortable with whatever feelings you have, believing that no matter what I feel, I can be myself.

When a child feels sad, many parents will deny the child's feelings in order to make them stop feeling sad. For example, they might say to the child, “This is just a trivial matter, no big deal!” The parents' intentions are good, and they want the child to cheer up and feel good about themselves. But what the child hears might be, “I may not fully understand how I feel... I thought I was sad, but the adult I trust most is telling me that it's no big deal.” And this might make the child unable to trust their own feelings.

So what should parents do? The author gives us a few tips.

First, we can name the child's feelings and express acceptance, so that the child will believe that their feelings are real. For example, if your daughter says she doesn't want to go to soccer practice, instead of saying, “But you love soccer!” you can say, “You're finding soccer a bit difficult right now, aren't you? That's normal. Let's figure out what to do together.”

Second, we can use this sentence structure more often: “What made you think of doing that?” Instead of external affirmations like “You're so good!” or “You're so talented!” we should praise our children more for their inner selves and the process of doing things. For example, instead of praising a child for drawing well, we can ask the child, “What made you think of drawing this?” or “What made you think of mixing these colors together?” This kind of praise can help children boost their self-confidence. Using this type of sentence structure, we are telling the child that we are interested not only in the result they produce, but also in the process of their thinking. Children do not crave positive feedback from others, but instead focus on what they are doing and learn more about themselves.

Third, pay more attention to the child's inner world, such as personality, feelings and thoughts, rather than external manifestations such as grades and results. Assuming that the child is on the sports team, then the child's inner world includes the child's hard work in training, the child's willingness to try new things, and the child's views on the outcome of the competition. On the other hand, what belongs to the external performance is the number of goals scored, the result of the game, etc. In terms of the child's academic performance, what belongs to the child's inner world is the subject in which the child is interested and the child's willingness to try extra questions, while what belongs to the external performance is the academic performance and test ranking. The more parents pay attention to the inner world of their children, the more their children will value their inner voice. Confident children often share the same belief, that is, their inner world is more important than their external performance.

Finally, if confidence is about trusting yourself, then nurturing a confident child is about teaching them to trust their feelings. In fact, even for adults, this is difficult. We all have moments when we doubt our feelings: “Have I overreacted?” “Am I right to feel this way?” These are all signs of self-doubt. As parents, in order to help children develop the habit of understanding and trusting their inner feelings, we need to say more to them, “You know best how you feel right now.” If your child is very shy and doesn't want to leave you, you can say to them, “You're not ready to play with other children yet, that's okay. You know best how you feel right now. When you're ready, you can go over there.” These are all ways of telling children to trust their feelings.

Conclusion

Well, the above is the main content of this book that I want to share with you. Today, our topic is to treat a child's behavior as a window through which we can see the child's true inner needs. We talked about the four parenting guidelines proposed by the author, including parenting with kindness, clarifying the responsibilities of parents and children, reducing shame, and psychological resilience being more important than happiness. We also discussed solutions to some specific parenting challenges, including what to do when a child has a temper tantrum, how to deal with the conflict between having one child versus two, and how to help a child build self-confidence. In this book, the author also gives more parenting guidelines and more ways to deal with parenting challenges. If you are interested, you can also read the original book.

Finally, I would like to share with you a quote from the book: closeness is most important. A child's problematic behavior often stems from a desire for attention or closeness. Therefore, parents should pay more attention to their children and see into their hearts. One of the author's visitors once said to the author, “I think that the theme behind everything you say is closeness. The feeling of closeness is most important, and everything else is secondary. Even if my son says to me, 'I hate you,' I can still feel his feelings first; even if my daughter disobeys me, I can still feel her pain, rather than forcing her to obey; even if my husband loses his temper with me, I can still understand what he is saying, rather than immediately defending myself. I do the same with myself! No matter what happens to me, as long as I can care about my feelings or share them with others, I won't be in a bad state. Intimacy is the antidote to shame. For any child, being made to feel ashamed will not lead to positive behavior change. Shame is like a quagmire that only traps the child, whereas intimacy liberates. What parents need to do is let the child know, through acceptance, empathy and companionship, that “you can be yourself, even if you feel pain, you can still be yourself. You can be with yourself, and I will be with you.