Let's talk about the new codependency. We're here to help and guide you, our dear friends and neighbours of today's generation.

It's so lovely to think that love knows no boundaries! Love is all about intimacy, a deep connection between two people, selfless giving, and treating other people's problems as if they were your own. It's so lovely when our ideal relationships fit this description, whether it's family, friendship or love.

But in this book, the author kindly reminds us that love without boundaries can sometimes be harmful to ourselves and others. Our love can sometimes become a burden to others, and we can also lose sight of ourselves in the process of giving love. This kind of situation is actually pretty common in our everyday lives. Let's take a moment to think about some examples. Some people will give up their bottom line in intimate relationships and tolerate all the mistakes their partners make. Some people will worry too much about their friends' problems and even damage their own lives to meet their friends' needs. And some people will treat their children as the only source of meaning in life and do everything they can to make their children grow up according to their expectations. At first glance, it seems like these folks are just trying to do the right thing. They're putting their loved ones' needs above their own, and that's a beautiful thing. However, it's worth noting that such sacrifices rarely bring reciprocal rewards. In fact, they often make the relationship more burdensome and tense.

The author of today's book believes that these practices fall into the same trap, which she calls "dependent symbiosis". The author defines dependent symbiosis as "being influenced by another person's actions and obsessively trying to control that person's actions." The reason people who are codependent fall into this trap is, on the surface, or according to their own subjective interpretation, because they love others and feel a strong sense of responsibility. This is absolutely not wrong, but the author found that there's a psychological mechanism at work that even they themselves may not be aware of. Codependent people also satisfy their psychological need to be needed by taking care of others, thus filling the emptiness in their hearts and escaping their own low sense of worth by placing their sense of meaning in others. When you're caught in a codependent relationship, it can feel like you're in a bit of a tricky situation on an aeroplane. He's so busy helping the person next to him that he doesn't even think to put his own oxygen mask on first! I'm sure this approach is full of love and selflessness, but it's not the best idea in the world.

I'm so excited to tell you all about today's book, The New Codependency: The lovely book Help and Guidance for Today's Generation discusses codependency and takes us through the signs of codependency, understanding the dangers of codependency, and then using scientific methods to get rid of codependency. To dive into this topic, we'll start with the author's story. The lovely Melody Beattie is the brilliant mind behind the concept of "codependency". She's not a trained psychologist, but she's made some amazing theoretical contributions to this important psychological concept. She didn't study the concept in a controlled environment, but she experienced it deeply in her own life.

And now, we'd love to tell you her story.

Let me tell you a little bit about Melody Beattie. She was born in Minnesota, USA in 1948 and is now in her seventies. At the tender age of 38, she penned an incredible self-help book on psychology that delves into the topic of codependency. It's no surprise that it's sold a whopping 8 million copies worldwide! Her later books have built on her theory, and the book we're reading today, "The New Codependency: Her latest book, "Help and Guidance for Today's Generation," is a great example of her more systematic works. It shows how her understanding of codependency has matured over time. If you pop over to her personal homepage, you'll see that she's published 20 books in the past nearly 40 years! There's a capitalised note at the top of the homepage: "I'm here to help you deal with whatever life throws at you, no matter what that is."

When you think about Betty's life, it's like this sentence was written for her! Betty's family wasn't the happiest bunch. Betty never mentions her father in her books, and her mum led a pretty chaotic life. Betty's family home was a bit of a mess, bless them! There were large bottles of spirits stored under the kitchen sink. Her mum was quite the character! She often enjoyed a tipple at home with her various boyfriends. From the tender age of 12, Betty would sneak a little tipple and add a splash of water so her dear mother wouldn't catch on. She used alcohol to help her cope with her pain, and by the time she was 13, she had developed a serious addiction.

Betty had another side to her life that was a bit of a surprise! Betty was a star student from elementary school all the way through high school. She was always at the top of her class and graduated with the honorary status of "honors student". Her classmates couldn't see beyond the nerdy glasses and awkward personality of this girl, so they didn't associate with her. Betty had a tough and lonely childhood.

From the age of 18, Betty's life took a wonderful turn for the better! It was the 1960s in the USA. Betty had dreamed of becoming a writer since she was a little girl, but she didn't go to university. Instead, she started a more exciting life with her friends! Young Americans were chasing after their imagined freedom under the guise of "love", "peace" and "rock and roll". Betty gave up drinking, but sadly became addicted to drugs. At that time, she felt a deep, bitter hatred for the world. Betty felt that since people like her mum, who were supposed to love her, ignored and hurt her, she had every right to do whatever she wanted.

It wasn't until she was 24 that Betty was taken to the local court, where the judge ordered her to be admitted to a hospital for compulsory detoxification. Betty was a typical example of someone who needed help, and as a result, she was printed on anti-narcotics posters. Her physical and mental condition was at its worst, but thankfully, it was also at this time that she started turning a corner in her life. One day during her detox, Betty lay on the hospital lawn and looked up at the sky for a long time. The brightness was so intense that her eyes grew tired, and the world turned lavender. Betty was absolutely enchanted by the incredible sight before her and felt that the world was the most beautiful place she'd ever seen. All of a sudden, she had this amazing realisation. If she put half the energy she had used to do wrong things into doing the right things, there was nothing she couldn't achieve! From then on, she threw herself into her rehab with great enthusiasm.

Betty may have been a bit of a rebel, but she was also clever and had a strong will to succeed. After eight long months of treatment, she finally got rid of the addiction that had been plaguing her for more than ten years. Next, she went to work at a treatment centre to help other addicts get back on their feet. While at work, she met a tall, handsome colleague, and the two fell in love and got married two years later. Just three short years later, they had a pair of beautiful children. By this point, Betty had everything she had dreamed of as a child: a real family and a meaningful career.

You might think that Betty is finally on the right track and that the rest of her life should be a time of happiness. But Betty's life has a way of taking unexpected turns, and things don't always go as smoothly as we'd like. Betty has been feeling for a while now that there's something not quite right in her marriage. Her family of origin has had a big impact on her, so she doesn't really know what a normal marriage should be like. Whenever she feels something is wrong, she'll always look for the reason in herself first. One day, she made a shocking discovery – a bottle of vodka in the bathroom tank! It turned out that her husband had been secretly drinking alcohol for many years without her knowledge. Poor thing, he gradually became confused and emotionally unstable. Betty was really shaken up, but she found the strength to help her husband quit drinking. This became the biggest challenge in her life over the next few years.

Betty really values marriage and family, especially after what she went through as a child. Betty has been there before with alcohol and drugs, so she knows how they can hurt you. She's been through it herself and has come out the other side, so she's 100% committed to helping her husband quit drinking. But sadly, as the days passed, her husband's situation did not improve. Betty's anxiety was slowly building up again, and she found herself in a tricky spot. This time, though, she felt like she needed a little more help to get through this tricky situation. She was counting on a friend to lend a hand. She remembered the wives of the addicts she had met at the treatment centre, who were watching helplessly as their partners were ruining their lives. And at that moment, Betty felt like she was starting to become one of them. In her desperation, she tried to take on the role of a strict police officer at home, constantly supervising and scolding her husband. But sadly, these actions didn't bring about a turnaround. They only made her married life even more tense.

After several years of this, poor Betty was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Betty sat down in the chair of a mutual aid group for addicts once again, but this time she was no longer an addict herself. Instead, she was there as a family member of someone who was struggling with addiction. At first, Betty was really reluctant to go to the event. Betty couldn't understand why she was the one receiving help when her husband was the one who had made the mistake. But as she heard the stories of other addicts, a long-forgotten feeling came back to her. She shed a few tears, and was surprised by how much she felt. It had been a long time since she'd felt sad. When she cried again, she had a realisation. She had used something similar to alcohol and drugs to numb herself, and that something was actually her love and responsibility for her husband. For many years, she had made taking care of her husband the centre of her life. It's so easy to do that, isn't it? Especially when your husband is struggling with alcoholism. It's only natural to feel like your happiness depends on your husband's behaviour. So she was really focused on trying to control her husband's behaviour, and ended up taking on the role of his guardian. Unfortunately, this meant she neglected herself a bit. It wasn't until she felt overwhelmed with emotion at a mutual aid meeting that she seemed to wake up from a dream in which she was obsessed with others and saw herself again. This kind of soul-devouring dream is what Betty lovingly refers to as "codependent symbiosis."

In the years that followed, Betty made codependent symbiosis the core topic of her in-depth research. She finally managed to get out of the marriage that had been draining her of energy, divorced her husband, and raised her children on her own. A few years later, she wrote the bestselling book that changed her life. It was called "Letting Go" or "No More Codependency". The millions of copies sold were a real blessing for her and her family, giving them the chance to live a life of abundance. It also launched her career as an independent author and speaker, which was a dream come true! But, as we all know, Betty's life since then hasn't been easy. She's been through a lot, including several marital breakdowns, a few serious illnesses, and the heartbreaking premature death of her son. On her journey through life, she has often found herself in the role of a codependent, consumed with caring for others. It wasn't until she was completely worn out that she learned to let go. Luckily, these experiences have also helped her to understand codependency better. She generously shared her insights with the public through writing, which became her lifelong career. Many people in trouble found valuable reference experiences in her work.

Next, let's dive into Betty's thoughts on codependency.

Let's dive a little deeper into the definition and harm of codependency.

In the previous content, we've had a general understanding of the psychological phenomenon of codependency. But what kind of behaviour is considered codependency? Well, that's something we'll explore further.

Betty's book caused quite a stir in European and American society after it was published. Many readers wrote to her or even came to see her in person to ask if certain behaviours of theirs were considered codependency. A friend of Betty's once asked her if he was a codependent because he loved the feeling of being a husband and father. Betty laughed and said, "Oh no, you're just a lovely guy who likes family life."

At the start of the audiobook, we chatted about the simplest way to define codependency. It basically means being affected by someone else's actions and being really focused on controlling how that person behaves. But Betty gently reminds us that what really traps a person in codependency is the motivation behind the behaviour, rather than the behaviour itself. It's a common misconception that codependency is about being dependent on others. In reality, it's about being dependent on others' dependence on oneself. People who are codependent often feel like their lives have no meaning. They just want to feel needed, and they find a reason to keep going by taking care of others and making them dependent on them. So, the main thing that causes people to become codependent is feeling empty inside. While they focus on other people, they stop taking care of themselves, which makes them feel even emptier. This creates a vicious cycle.

Betty's book contains a great example that I think you'll find really helpful. A woman tells Betty that she has been separated from her ex-boyfriend for several years, but she just can't stop contacting him and trying to keep an eye on his every move. She knows it's not right and really doesn't want to get back together with the person who left her, but she feels like a part of her life is permanently tied to that person and she can't get it back. In every close relationship, she feels like the victim. She would really love to escape her role as a victim, but she's just not sure how. She also looks back at her childhood and, thankfully, doesn't find any traumatic memories. Luckily, she has a good job and a decent life today. The only thing is, she doesn't know how to live without an intimate relationship. She says, "I feel like I'm not really myself unless I'm taking care of someone." When others suggest that she should also take some time to care for herself, she gets a little annoyed. She feels that she cares for everyone around her, and she thinks that's enough, don't you agree?

Betty says this woman's situation shows us a few key things about codependent symbiosis. The first thing to say is that she places a lot of her sense of meaning in life on other people. So when the relationship breaks down, she feels an awful lack of it. When she has nice, stable relationships with the people around her who she thinks are important, she feels really happy and fulfilled. However, she might not realise that she often puts her own feelings to one side to help other people. It's true that not all codependent people are like Betty, who has low self-esteem due to severe childhood trauma. It's also possible that they were simply taught to be kind to those around them from an early age. As they grew up, they might not have found a clear sense of purpose in life, so they gradually developed a pattern of living for the sake of others. It's also important to say that this pattern is different from those who are actively and generously devoted to others. It's a way of trying to influence others because they're struggling to accept their own limitations. The thing is, people who are codependent will often see their controlling behaviour as caring for others. If they don't get the feedback they're looking for, they can end up feeling like they've been neglected and abandoned. This is why the love that the codependent person gives can feel like a heavy chain, or even a claim in the name of love.

After looking at all this, we've found a way to define codependency. It's important to remember that just because someone is enthusiastic about caring for others, it doesn't necessarily mean they're codependent. However, if this care is mixed with a victim mentality, it's good to be aware of the potential signs. Betty was a lovely lady who did her best to take care of her husband, who had a drinking problem. Unfortunately, she started to become critical and dictatorial, which made it really difficult for her to communicate with her husband. The more she wanted to be in control of everything, the more things seemed to spiral out of her control. This situation wasn't just hurting Betty, it was also making it harder to help her husband with his alcoholism. This is because when she takes such meticulous care of her husband's life, she's actually giving him the space to avoid responsibility. Since his wife always tells him what to do and seems to have everything arranged for him, he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions. It's so sad when the person being cared for doesn't have to grow up, but the carer is exhausted by the childishness of the person being cared for. This is the most common deadlock in a symbiotic relationship of dependence.

It's so interesting how these kinds of relationships pop up in our lives, isn't it? It can happen between parents and children, too. The parents do their best to pave the way for their children's future, but the children may not be able to move forward and are slow to face the challenges of life independently. It can also happen in love, when one person in an intimate relationship becomes really focused on playing the role of a perfect partner, while the other person becomes more and more independent and less attached to the relationship. You know, a similar situation can also occur in friendships. It's so important to be aware of the potential dangers of codependency. It can feel like a form of control in the name of love, and it can be tricky for both people in the relationship to recognise its true nature. The person trying to control the other may believe they are selflessly loving, while the other person may feel guilty and inadequate because they cannot return this love. Sadly, codependency can create a mutual and cumulative mental drain between the two people.

So, how can we beat this thing called codependency?

Now that we know what codependency is and what harm it can cause, let's have a chat about how we can overcome it together!

Betty had a tough start in life. She was caught in two major predicaments: one was an addiction to alcohol and drugs, and the other was her codependency on her husband. These two situations might seem very different at first glance, but Betty felt that they were connected at the heart of it all. This is because they are both ways of coping that Betty found when she was struggling to face her true self. Betty was sadly neglected by her mother when she was a child, which made her feel worthless. Even though she was a star student, she still couldn't win her mother's love or her classmates' friendship. Betty started drinking to fill the emptiness and loneliness she felt inside. Even after she got over her addiction and got married, Betty still felt pretty low about herself for a long time. Betty always felt there was something wrong with her personality because of her addiction and the way she let herself go as a teenager. Whenever her husband acted in an uncharacteristically unkind way, she would only think that maybe she wasn't being the best wife she could be. When she found out her husband was an alcoholic, their marriage was in a total mess. It was a tough thing for Betty to take in. She was really scared that if she lost her family, she'd fall back into the kind of dark place she'd been in before, so she turned to codependency as a way of staying afloat. It's so sad to see how addiction and codependency have affected Betty. But there's something really inspiring about how she's come to terms with them. She's done it! She's beaten her addiction and now she knows all about the scientific approach to treating addiction problems. This means she can use this same approach to help her overcome her codependency.

So, you're ready to take the first step in overcoming your addiction? It might surprise you, but it's not about having loads of willpower. It's about learning to love yourself and then letting go of the need to control everything. It's so common for people who drink too much to hate their drinking when they're sober and decide they need to quit. It's totally normal to feel like the harder you try, the less able you are to do it in the early days of abstinence. So, what's the best way to go about it? One really helpful way to start is to openly admit to being an alcoholic in front of a group of people who will support you, usually a group of people with the same addiction. This is a method that's often used in Alcoholics Anonymous.

So the first step in overcoming this particular addiction is to learn to accept yourself, my friend. In her book, Betty gently reminds codependents that although codependency is harmful, their personalities have been shaped through long-term care for others and they are stronger in many ways than ordinary people. Codependents are like a traveller who's carrying a heavy load on their shoulders without realising that it's full of treasures! Codependents are super resilient and will stick with you through thick and thin, even when things get tough. They really value relationships, are totally faithful to their partners, super responsible with their kids, and just want to get the job done at work. They can be a little bit obsessive, but also really persistent! It's this amazing resilience that makes them so passionate about others, but when they recognise themselves, it becomes a wonderful gift.

The first step for the codependent to restore their sense of self-worth is to recognise the good qualities in their personality. Next, they just need to learn to let go of the obsession with controlling their lives. After going through so many life changes, Betty has come to see that the idea of "control" can be a bit of a misleading illusion. If we look at life through the eyes of someone who's always trying to control everything, it can be really hard to meet our own internal standards. We all want to help and make things better for those around us, but sometimes we forget to take a step back and look at ourselves. Betty has a lovely saying in her book: "We're not here to control life, but to live it to the fullest!" When we take a little time out to connect with ourselves, we'll find that we naturally let go of the need to control everything.

So, what can we do to help? Betty is really helpful in her book, sharing some really practical methods. Betty believes that anyone who wants to reconnect with their inner selves can benefit from adding some simple spiritual practices to their daily routine. It's like being a little monk! For instance, why not set aside a little bit of free time for yourself? Go outside, and just walk aimlessly wherever your feet take you! As you walk, take a moment to observe the things around you. When you notice your mind wandering to those annoying trivial matters, gently guide it back to the present moment without resistance or self-blame. There are lots of other great exercises you can try, like meditation, keeping a diary of your inner feelings, and conscious deep breathing. They can help you achieve similar results. The wonderful thing about these activities is that they help you to embrace the feelings you've been trying to avoid. Betty finally allowed herself to feel sad again at the support group, and it was so lovely to see her reconnect with the feeling of loss. It was such a beautiful moment, and it felt like healing had begun.

The good news is that we've covered the foundation for overcoming codependency, which is to accept yourself and rebuild your relationship with yourself. And we also have to learn to set boundaries with others, which is what the title of the book says: "Setting boundaries for love." It's so easy for codependents to cause trouble for themselves and others! This is mainly because they blur the boundaries between themselves and others, take on many responsibilities that should be taken on by others, and when the object of their codependency gets used to this excessive care, they may in turn make more demands on the codependent that go beyond the boundaries, which makes the relationship even more entangled.

Betty believes that the best way to set boundaries is to be open and honest about your own needs and to respect the boundaries of others. It's totally normal to need a little practice when it comes to setting boundaries.

The first thing we need to do is to be able to express ourselves clearly. People who are dependent on others will often put the meaning of life on what others think of them. This can make their expressions tend to please others. To learn to set boundaries, it's really helpful to train yourself to say what you want to say, not what the other person wants to hear. Of course, it can be tricky at first to get your thoughts together and express them clearly. Betty is really helpful here, because she shares a set of expression boundary templates in her book as a reference. Betty suggests that a complete set of expressions should include the following: If you're looking to create a set of statements that clearly define your boundaries, this template can help you with that! You might also like to get a piece of paper and jot down your thoughts to help you get your ideas in order.

It's also good to remember that setting boundaries is not just about saying "no". It's not about what you say, it's about what you do. A set of boundary-setting statements is also a promise to yourself and others – a promise to treat yourself and others well! It's totally okay if you can't put one of your boundary statements into practice right away. It just means it's not quite ready to form a strong boundary yet. So, when it comes to setting boundaries, it's not about what others do, but about how you react to it. Once you've made your boundaries clear to others, you'll probably find that people will try to test them. So, the best way to stop others from crossing your boundaries is to stick to what you say.

It's so important to remember that setting boundaries is not a one-way street. It's so important to remember that if you have clear boundaries, you also need to respect the boundaries of others. This can be tricky for someone who is codependent and eager to influence the behaviour of others. It's so important to be aware of our emotions when others express their boundaries to us. We all know how it feels when someone rejects us, don't we? It can be really tough to handle. So, how do we react in these situations? If we feel really strongly about something, it's easy to get carried away and end up demanding or even ordering someone to do what we want. When this happens, it's only natural to perceive the other person's refusal as defiance. If we can try to respond to the other person's drawing of boundaries in this way, we can overcome this: "Thank you so much for telling me where your boundaries are." I'll do my best to respect them. Even if the other person's expression is a bit disappointing and pushes you apart, it's best to try to avoid reacting emotionally. You can end the conversation with a smile and decide whether to have a chat with your partner again when you're feeling ready. A happy, healthy relationship is always based on two independent individuals who respect each other and treat each other with kindness and understanding. It's not really possible to insist on reversing the other person's wishes, is it? This is the best way to make sure our feelings aren't mixed up with trying to control other people.

And that, my friends, is a wrap on this book, "The New Codependency: I'd love to help and guide you, as I've done for so many others in today's generation. Let's quickly recap together:

The New Codependency: I'm so excited to tell you all about this amazing book by the wonderful Melody Betty! It's called "Help and Guidance for Today's Generation" and it's a truly incredible masterpiece that delves deeply into the world of codependency. The lovely Melody Betty was born in the mid-20th century in the United States. It's so sad - she had a rough start in life and then, during her teenage years, she made the heartbreaking decision to isolate herself from everyone. This led to her developing severe addictions to alcohol and drugs. After successfully quitting drugs, she became really passionate about helping her husband quit drinking, to the point of putting her own life at risk. After looking back on her experiences from the first half of her life, Betty came up with an important psychological idea called codependency. Codependency is a psychological mechanism that can sometimes control the behaviour of others in an obsessive way. The heart of this psychology is a lack of self-worth. People who are codependent feel most needed and find their life has meaning when they're taking care of others. Even though this psychology often shows itself in the kind and caring ways that people have for others, those who are codependent often put a lot of pressure on themselves and others because they don't know how to set boundaries. If you're ready to escape codependency, I've got some tips for you! First, try accepting your own strengths. Second, let go of the need to control your life. Third, use clear communication and respect for others to set boundaries between yourself and others. If codependency is control in the name of caring, then good boundaries are caring through limits.

I hope this book will inspire you in your relationships!