I'm so excited to share this book with you today! It's called The Courage to be Hated.

I'd like to introduce you to the wonderful Ichiro Kishimi, who wrote this book with me. He was an amazingly influential philosopher in Japan. When Ichiro Kishimi was 30 years old, he came across another fascinating approach to psychology: Adlerian. He was so inspired by it that he decided to devote his life to studying and understanding this unique way of thinking. This lovely book, The Courage to be Hated, introduces the wonderful results of Ichiro Kishimi's study of Adlerian psychology.

Let me tell you a bit about Alfred Adler, a wonderful Austrian psychologist. He was in the same generation as the wonderful psychologist Sigmund Freud and was once a follower of Freud's ideas. But later on, he also became the first to oppose Freud's system of doctrine. Unfortunately, the two parted ways because of their differing views. Let me explain it in a simple way. Freud thought that your present situation is shaped by past experiences, your surroundings, and the people around you. But Adler had a different take. He believed that your current condition has to do with you and you alone. Adler went his own way and started something really special: Individual Psychology.

I'm so excited to reread Adler's ideas after reading this book! In today's fast-paced world, whether it's technology or ideas, things change so quickly that it's important to be able to keep up with the times. Take, for instance, all those young and talented folks who achieve great success when they're young and enjoy a very high honor. But, bless their hearts, this kind of achievement is difficult to sustain. This is because, when they're no longer surrounded by flowers and applause, they often find it tough to accept things. They just don't have a complete internal self-esteem system in place yet.

And Adlerian thinking will tell you something really lovely: your success and happiness has nothing to do with anyone else. It all depends on you! Adlerian thought is a great way to help you build this internal self-esteem system.

At first glance, you might think this sounds like just another feel-good story. But it really isn't, my friend. But when it comes to chicken soup, it's easy to understand why it's so comforting when you hear it. But when you stop to think about it, it might not seem as logical or useful as you first thought. Adlerian thought is not like chicken soup, which you might think it is at first. It's actually based on a set of rigorous logical deductions. The conclusions we've drawn not only make sense when you hear them, but they also stand up to scrutiny and debate with others.

And there's more! In this book, Ichiro Kishimi uses the dialogical form of philosophical classics like The Analects of Confucius and The Ideal State. The whole book is a lovely dialogue between a young man and a philosopher. The young man asks questions and the philosopher answers them. Ichiro Kishimi used this form to present Adler's thoughts for a couple of reasons. First, it's easy to understand. Second, he wants to show us that Adler's thoughts aren't just for clinical psychology. Adler was also a thinker and a philosopher! This book dives into some pretty deep philosophical waters.

I'd love to share the book with you in two parts! In the first part, we'll chat about the reasons behind those unhappy feelings. The second part is about something really important: how to have the so-called "courage to be hated." Adler believed that everyone should be able to find that state of freedom and happiness.

All right, let's dive into the first part together! In Adler's opinion, who is to blame for our misfortune? Have you ever wondered where all our troubles originate?

Before we answer that question, we've got to talk about one of Adler's core ideas, which is that you can make your own choices. You see, your life isn't something that's handed to you by someone else. It's something you choose for yourself. Your choices are yours and yours alone. They have nothing to do with anyone else or anything that has happened in the past. This is the most fundamental difference between Adler and Freud, and it's a big one!

Let me give you an example. In this book, the author talks about a female student who is really struggling with a fear of meeting people. She gets really embarrassed when she's in front of them and says that she wants to be cured of this phobia of blushing no matter what. The philosopher asked her, "What would you like to do if this blush phobia were cured?" The girl replied that there was a boy she really liked and wanted to go out with, but because of this blushing problem, she had never had the courage to express her feelings. The girl added that she would confess to him as soon as she was cured of her blush phobia.

I can imagine your first reaction might be, "Oh, poor thing! Who could have done this to her?" Maybe she had been teased by her parents since she was little, which made her afraid of strangers. Or maybe she had been really hurt in a love situation?

If you think so, Freud would totally agree with you! It's totally understandable to look to past experiences, especially childhood trauma, to explain present misfortunes. But Adler has a different take on it. Adler says that relying on the past to explain things is like saying that our present and even our future is entirely determined by our past experiences. It's a bit of a bummer, right? It means that there's no way to change them. This view is called the "theory of cause." Adler offers a different take on things. He believes in a theory of purpose, rather than the theory of cause.

Purposivism suggests that the reason a girl suffers from blush syndrome and can never be cured isn't because she hasn't found the right cure yet. It's because she's chosen this misfortune for herself. What do you think? Adler believes that the thing that scares the girl the most right now is being rejected by the person she likes. It's the shock and self-denial that can come from a lost love. But as long as the blush syndrome is there, she'll think, "The only reason I can't go out with him is because of this blush syndrome." This way, she doesn't have to work up the courage to confess her feelings, and even if she is rejected, she can still convince herself that it's not the end of the world. On top of that, she can live in a fantasy world where she thinks, "If I get rid of my blush phobia, I can have love too."

Of course, this blush phobia is very real, but it's still the girl's own choice.

Let's quickly go over this main idea from Adler using the example we just talked about. Adler says that if you're feeling a bit downright now, it's probably because you've chosen to feel that way. It's okay if you can't change. We all have minds of our own, and sometimes we just need to accept that we've made up our minds not to change.

Let's talk about another thing we've all experienced: low self-esteem. It's that feeling you get when you compare yourself to others and feel like you're not measuring up. Oh, and the first person to explain the "inferiority complex" in this way was Adler. Adler used the German word "inferiority," which also means "sense of inferiority." This word is about self-worth judgment, which can make us feel worthless or insignificant.

In Adler's view, everyone has an inferiority complex, and that's okay! But feeling inferior is not something to be ashamed of. Why is that? Adler believed that we humans live in this world as beings who feel powerless. We all want to feel powerful, and we all strive for superiority and progress. Think about it. Toddlers learn to stand, and that's the pursuit of superiority. They learn language, and they communicate with other people, and that's also the pursuit of superiority. And human history, and science continuing to progress, that's also the result of the pursuit of superiority.

I believe that feeling inferior can actually be a great motivator for us to pursue excellence. Our inferiority complex can make us feel like we're not quite good enough, but it also gives us the motivation to keep striving for progress! But as you can imagine, there are many people in our lives who are particularly negative because of their low self-esteem. They sadly believe that they can't do anything, and it's really tough to get them to change. Oh my, what's the deal with this? Adler says that in this case, it should not be called "low self-esteem," but "low self-esteem complex."

Some folks use feelings of inferiority as an excuse. We all have our moments! It's like, "I can't find a date because I'm not pretty," or "I can't succeed because I have a low education." This kind of thinking — that you can't do something because of something else — is more than just low self-esteem. It's an inferiority complex. And the great thing is, Adler specifically emphasizes that this inferiority complex is still your own choice.

I know this might sound a little strange, but have you ever wondered why some people might choose to embrace an inferiority complex? The answer is simple: they're trying to avoid getting hurt in their relationships with others. In Adler's view, relationships can sometimes be a bit of a worry and cause a few bad feelings.

I'd love to know why! Just picture what most folks would do if they wanted to achieve the goal of "not getting hurt in a relationship." It's actually pretty simple. All you have to do is focus on your own shortcomings and try not to get too involved in relationships. This way, you can avoid getting too close to other people and keep your distance. If you do get rejected or hurt, you can comfort yourself with the thought that it's because of your shortcomings that you were rejected. And if you didn't have these shortcomings, you'd be very likable! I think it's fair to say that if you choose to use your misfortune as a weapon, you'll always need that misfortune.

It's also worth mentioning that many of us have experienced what's known as the "superiority complex." This is a common psychological condition that can arise from our relationships with others. It's that thing we all do sometimes, comparing ourselves to others and showing off our own superiority. It's so sad when people use other people's misfortunes to show that they are "special." They just want to be at the top of the pile, don't they? I'm sure you'll agree that people like this aren't truly happy, are they? Of course not, sweetie. It's only natural to feel a bit uneasy when we feel like someone has surpassed us. It's only human to want to regain our superiority.

You know, it's only natural to feel a little troubled when you're part of this complex social network. That's why Adler said something really wise: "All human troubles come from relationships." I'm afraid the only way to get rid of troubles is to survive alone in the universe, my friend.

That's the first part of what I was saying. Adler believed that all of our troubles come from relationships. It's not our past experiences that shape our present circumstances. It's the meaning we attach to them that matters. You have the power to choose everything about your current situation. From this perspective, Adlerian psychology is also a psychology of courage. If you're someone who's striving to overcome challenges, if you're not content with the status quo and are aiming to reach new heights in life, you need the courage to imbue your past experiences with meaning, you need the courage to choose to change, and you need the courage to face the possibility of being hated in all kinds of relationships.

Part Two

In the second part of this article, we'll chat about how to find the courage to be hated, and how to find a state of freedom and happiness.

Adler believed that all of our troubles come from relationships. He also thought that we all face three big problems in life. These are: We all have work problems, friendship problems, and love problems. And let's not forget "love issues"!

At first glance, you might think that these three major issues are all wrapped up in our complex social network. So, if you want to handle these three issues well, you have to put in a lot of effort on other people and try your best to maintain this network of relationships around us? Oh, absolutely not! Adler says that it's not up to others to deal with these three major topics. The good news is that it's still up to us! Adler wants to help us build a complete system of self-esteem from within, because he knows we can do it!

To build this system, we need to take some concrete actions, and we also need to work on our psychology.

Let's start with the action level, shall we? Let's start with something we can all relate to: a child who doesn't like to study, doesn't listen in class, doesn't come home to do homework, and just knows how to play games every day. If you're a parent, I'd love to hear your thoughts on this! In most cases, it's really important to do everything you can to encourage him to study. You might go to tutorials, hire tutors, and sometimes you can't help but tell him that if he doesn't finish his homework, he'll have to face the music. But as you can imagine, this kind of coercion rarely makes your child love learning from the bottom of his heart. Of course, some parents will put in the effort to guide their children's interest in learning.

But, from the Adlerian mindset, none of this really matters. The first thing you need to think about is not "how to get your child to learn," but rather, whose business it is whether your child learns or not. Learning is something that belongs to the child. It's not something that the parent can order the child to do. That would be like trying to make someone else learn something that's really their own business. This can unfortunately lead to some conflict.

It's so important to remember to distinguish between our own subject matter and that of others.

As we chatted about earlier, Adler said that all of life's little challenges come from relationships. So, we can go even further: the challenges caused by relationships are in fact caused by interference in other people's subjects, or interference in one's own subjects by other people. As long as we can "separate the subject matter," our relationships will change dramatically for the better!

I totally get where you're coming from. You might still disagree that it should be the parents' responsibility and obligation to let their children learn, or that it should be a common subject for both parents and children. So, how can it be interference in other people's subjects? It's actually pretty simple! To figure out whose subject it is, just think about the results of this choice and who has to bear them. If a child chooses not to study, it's important to remember that the consequences of this decision, such as poor grades or failing to get into a good school, will ultimately be the child's responsibility. So, learning is something the child has to figure out on their own.

I just want to make sure you understand that this doesn't mean Adlerian psychology is promoting permissiveness. Laissez-faire is when you don't worry about what your child is doing. Adler's thought is not permissivism. Adler believes in protecting children, but only when we know what they're doing.

It's so important for parents to be ready to provide their children with all the support they need, but it's also crucial to remember that it's not our job to dictate what they should or shouldn't do just because they haven't asked for help. This is called subject separation, which is a great way to help your child succeed while also giving them the space to learn about themselves. It's so important to separate topics when you're building an internal self-esteem system. It's also a great way to create a specific action guide.

Now, let's look at how we can build a solid, stable internal self-esteem system on the psychological level.

We all know that human beings, as social animals, naturally like to be recognized. Nobody likes the feeling of being blamed or hated, so let's try to avoid those things!

Let's do a little thought experiment together. Given our human nature—our desire to be recognized and our fear of rejection—what can we do to ensure that nobody hates us? I'm sure there's only one most effective answer, and that is to look people in the face and show them your loyalty.

If there are 10 people around, make a promise to all 10: "I will try to make you feel good." But, just a heads-up, there might be a bit of a hiccup coming up. You're determined not to be hated, and you're going to show your loyalty to all 10 people. But the truth is, it's not really possible to please everyone all the time. Sadly, these promises will probably be broken soon after, which will make you feel even more miserable and lose your credibility. In a nutshell, trying to live up to other people's expectations and putting your whole life in their hands is unfair to those around you and to yourself.

Adlerian psychology says that it's not worth chasing after other people's approval. Adler says that trying to get other people's approval can actually limit your freedom. We're all here to live our own lives, and we don't live to fulfill the expectations of others. The same goes for you! If you're seeking approval and caring about what others think, you might find yourself living someone else's life.

So, for Adler, true freedom is the ability to have the courage to be hated by others.

But that doesn't mean we should go around looking for a bit of bad press, does it? Adler is trying to tell us something really important. He says that "being hated" is actually a sign that you're living freely. It's proof that you're living your life your own way.

To live freely, we have to be prepared to pay a price. And in relationships, the price of freedom is not being accepted by others. It can be tough to accept that, but it's true! In other words, it's up to me whether or not I want to be hated. But whether or not you hate me is none of my business. That's your business.

And finally, let's chat about how Adlerian psychology views value and happiness.

As we mentioned earlier, Adler thought that relationships were the root of all our problems. But the great thing is, Adler also said that relationships are a source of happiness!

When it comes to relationships and happiness, it's not always about having a lot of high-level joy. Sometimes, it's about finding a little bit of happiness in the everyday moments.

We all know that feeling of happiness that comes from comparing relationships. Let's say you're in school and your test scores are better than everyone else's. You feel really happy! Or, you're at work and your income is higher than your colleagues'. You feel happy! Or, you've just had children and they're doing better than other kids. You feel happy! But this kind of happiness, Adler says, is a bit of a downer. It's so important to remember that our happiness has to be based on some kind of unhappiness in others.

On the other hand, the higher happiness comes from the wonderful sense of community in relationships. This is a really important point in Adlerian psychology. The wonderful Ichiro Kishimi says that you simply can't understand Adlerian psychology without grasping this point. Have you ever wondered what exactly is meant by the term "sense of community"? It's all about feeling like you're constantly giving back and making a difference.

A family, a school, or an organization can all be a community. In a family, it's so lovely when you feel needed by your loved ones. In the company community, you can create value for the company and feel happy at the same time! It's so sad to see that some people lose their sparkle once they retire. It's so sad to see people lose their sparkle when they're no longer needed. It's as if they've lost their sense of contribution to the community, and they feel unhappy.

It's interesting to see that some wealthy people are still working even though they've already accumulated more money than they'll ever need. I'd love to know why they keep working! Could it be that they have bigger dreams? Of course not! What they need is still to feel like they're contributing to society as a whole. You know, this kind of happiness isn't something you can gain by comparing yourself to anyone else.

This is what Adler called the "sense of community." It's a wonderful feeling of continued value and contribution to others. It's also important to remember that this sense of contribution is something we all have in common, but it's not about giving up who you are for the sake of the community. Adler also points out that this wonderful sense of happiness can come in different forms that we might not even notice. At the end of the day, your pursuit of happiness is all about you. Your contribution and value are important to this community, but at the end of the day, it's not about what others think. You don't need recognition or rewards from others to feel happy.

I'd love to share my feelings with you in a nutshell. I've noticed that this kind of thinking, which Adler advocated, can be explained in a more vivid way today. It's a "closed loop," my friend. To be precise, it should be "breaking through your own closed loop." In other words, you should try to make sure that your actions and thoughts form a nice, closed loop within yourself. Let's take a moment to think about how this works in practice. When you praise someone, you'll unconsciously want them to accept your praise. And when you apologize to someone, you'll pay special attention to whether they'll forgive you. But Adler's thinking gently reminds us that these things aren't really important. It's so important to believe in your heart that doing so is right and that doing such things is meaningful. I came across a lovely article in Mr. Wan Weigang's column the other day. It was called "Elite-level Apology." It's all about focusing on the kind of person you want to be, not on whether you can regain trust. Elite apologies are about learning from mistakes and making progress. They don't worry about whether the other person will forgive — they just focus on themselves.

This is the kind of spirit our world needs most!