Communication is an art. Adults pay a lot of attention to methods and techniques when communicating with each other. However, when communicating with children, adults often feel unequipped to do so effectively. They are convinced that the methods of the adult world simply don't apply to children. After all, children are often unreasonable and sometimes even impolite.

They are often emotional, crying and acting up for no reason, and they simply refuse to listen to adults, no matter how much they try to persuade them. And sometimes it's the other way around: you really want to care for your child, but they just won't pay any attention to you. They lock themselves in their room and cry secretly, refusing to tell you what's going on or express their true feelings.

It is extremely frustrating when children refuse to listen or speak. Parents are often left feeling confused and frustrated when they encounter such situations. It is wrong for parents to yell at or hit their children. Such behaviour is exhausting and hurtful to both parties and damages the parent-child relationship. There is an invisible wall between adults and children. They often fail to understand each other's feelings, making it difficult for them to communicate smoothly.

This book, How to Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen So Children Will Talk, is the ultimate guide to communicating with children. It addresses various misunderstandings in the process of communicating with children, as well as how to communicate effectively with children in different scenarios. It will show you how to build a close relationship with your child, encourage them to listen and speak well, and become more independent sooner.

The book was published in the United States in 1980 and has since sold over 3 million copies, making it one of the best-selling family education books in the country. The How to Say It series has sold more than 10 million copies worldwide and has been translated into more than 30 languages, including Chinese. This book is part of that series. It is still a bestseller and is used as training material by more than 200,000 parent-child groups around the world.

The two authors of the book, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, are the leading experts on parent-child communication worldwide. They are both mothers of three children and are listed in the "Who's Who in America". They also train parents, teachers and counsellors in parent-child communication at companies, communities and educational institutions around the world, in addition to writing.

They have also gathered a wealth of family education cases, including both successful experiences and lessons learned from failures, which they have included in the book. This book is not just the personal experience of two child education experts. It is a summary of the experiences of many families. The two authors have developed a set of language through long-term practice, which has helped many families build a more harmonious parent-child relationship.

In this book, the authors categorise all communication scenarios with children into five main themes: helping children deal with their feelings, encouraging children to cooperate with us, using effective alternatives to punishment, learning to appreciate children, and encouraging children to be independent. I will now explain each of these in turn.

Part 1

The first theme is helping children deal with their feelings. Let me explain what this means.

For example, when your child says to you, "Dad, I'm tired!" "Mum, my tummy hurts!" "Dad, this programme is really boring!" "Mum, I hate Grandma!" Tell me how you usually respond. Do you ask them how they can be tired when they just got up? "You're saying you have a stomach ache because you don't want to go to school?" "This programme is fascinating. There's no way it can be boring." "It's not nice to talk about Grandma like that. She's been so good to you!"

If you respond in this way, you have fallen into the first common trap: denying and ignoring your child's feelings. As adults, we often forget that children are not as young as we think and can understand more than we realise. We also forget that their problems are not always as trivial as we believe. This leads us to habitually deny and ignore their feelings. What are the consequences of this? The author states that when children's feelings are constantly denied, they feel confused and angry. This also implies that children should not try to understand their feelings and should not believe their feelings.

If you deny and ignore your child's feelings, they will dislike communicating with you. They will feel that you don't believe them or understand them, and they will see no point in talking to you. Sometimes they may even argue with you. A gap will inevitably form between you and your child over time.

The second most common mistake is giving advice, preaching and speaking in a semi-reproachful, semi-pedagogical tone, telling your child truths and facts that they already know. Let me be clear: when they are sad or upset, the last thing anyone wants to hear is this. They will feel your words are annoying and that they are not being understood.

The third type of misunderstanding is to express excessive sympathy, act as a psychologist, or ask a lot of questions. This is a mistake. This will make the child feel pity for themselves and think that they are useless. Asking too many questions will make them feel defensive and disgusted, and it will make them feel even more depressed.

Parents must take action when their children are caught in negative emotions such as sadness, anger, and loss.

The author provides four clear tips: First, listen fully and attentively. Don't play with your phone or watch TV while half-heartedly listening to your child. This will make your child feel like you don't care about their feelings at all. Secondly, respond to your child with simple words. There is no need for a long speech. You can and should respond with a simple "Oh," "Hm," or "I see" to show that you agree with your child. Third, express your child's feelings. For example, "My child, you seem very angry!" "You must feel very disappointed!" "It sounds like you don't like doing your homework." This way, the child will know you understand them. Fourth, if you can't help the child immediately, use fantasy. For example, "I wish I could turn you into ice cream so you could eat it now."

You must empathise with the child. When a child knows that their feelings are respected and understood, they will be more willing to express themselves and even come up with solutions to the problem themselves.

The book provides numerous examples. A child is sad because its turtle has died. Many parents may say, "It's just a little turtle." Why are you crying so much? "I'll get you another one." This is ignoring the child's feelings and judging the child based on an adult's perspective, plain and simple. The child may say, "You don't understand." I want this one. You might say, "That's ridiculous." Ultimately, you end up in a heated argument.

What would be a more effective response? The author provides an illustrative example:

Child: My little turtle died this morning.

Dad: Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that.

Child: I even taught it how to play games.

Dad: You had a lot of fun together.

Child: It was my best friend, no question.

Dad: It's undoubtedly sad to lose a friend. You really cared about that little turtle.

When a child's feelings are fully acknowledged, their emotions are released, and they will soon calm down and accept the fact that it makes them sad.

The author states that parents often refrain from acknowledging their children's feelings out of fear that doing so will exacerbate their distress. But in fact, the opposite is true. When children hear these words, they feel comforted. The book makes it clear that our attitude is more important than our verbal skills. If we don't empathise with our children, no matter what we say, it will all seem hypocritical to them and we will be seen as trying to manipulate them.

The second part helps children face their feelings. This requires a high degree of empathy and patience. However, I can assure you that this is relatively easy to do. The second topic, encouraging children to cooperate with us, is more challenging.

Let me be clear: encouraging children to cooperate with us is not about turning them into meek and obedient "good boys and girls". We must help our children develop good character and habits from an early age so that they can become self-reliant as soon as possible.

Parents who are anxious about parenting often hope that their children will be obedient. However, this is often not the case because we have many misunderstandings about encouraging children to cooperate with us. The most common mistakes are blaming, scolding, threatening, ordering, and sarcasm. These methods are simple and rude. They can sometimes have a certain effect, but they are fundamentally violent. They involve using your power to force the child to comply. Children may appear to cooperate when under pressure, but they are often resisting on the inside. Sometimes they are even unwilling to cooperate temporarily and instead develop a rebellious attitude because they have not released their emotions and do not agree with you internally. They think you're scary, annoying and boring and want to get away from you as soon as possible.

I'll tell you what the right way is.

It's to encourage children to cooperate with us. The author also provides four tips:

First, describe the problem you see. For example, the child plays with water and forgets to turn off the tap, leaving the bathroom full of water. Do not scold the child. Simply describe the situation as it is: "Honey, the water in the bathtub is overflowing." The child will know immediately that they have done something wrong. Describe the situation to avoid accusations and complaints. The author gives a clear tip: omit the word "you" when describing the problem. For example, "You spilled the milk" and "You broke the bottle" are accusations. If you leave out the word 'you', it becomes 'the milk spilled' and 'the bottle broke'. This is how you describe an objective fact without any resentment.

The second is a simple reminder. If your child doesn't tidy up after playing with toys and makes a mess in the house, don't yell at him or give a long speech about being tidy. It's a simple reminder: "Toys need to go back to their home!" Your child will understand immediately.

The third thing you can do is express your feelings. If your child always interrupts you when you are talking, which is very rude, you can express your feelings directly: "I feel unhappy when you interrupt me before I have finished speaking." It is important to note that you are expressing your feelings, not criticising. Let me be clear: what does it mean to criticise? For example, you could say, "You are so rude, always interrupting what I am saying."

Many parenting books are wrong. They say parents should never feel negative emotions. However, the authors of this book have a different view. They are convinced that parents can and should express their feelings, which will relieve their own burden. Parents don't have to be patient with their children all the time. Children are not as fragile as we think. The authors are clear that pretending to be patient when we are angry can have the opposite effect. Children will not understand the seriousness of the situation or the wrongness of their actions. Therefore, we must express our emotions, but we must be careful to remove offensive words and not threaten our children.

The fourth method is to write notes and stick them in different places in the house as reminders. For example, put a note on the TV saying, "Before turning on the TV, think. Have you finished your homework?" This will stop you arguing with your child every time about watching TV and doing homework. Furthermore, children eagerly anticipate receiving notes, just as they do gifts.

Furthermore, the author states that regardless of whether we speak to our children or write notes, we expect them to cooperate with us. We should definitely be saying "please" to our children. This is to set an example of politeness for them and to establish a democratic and equal family atmosphere. This will make children feel more self-respect and be more willing to get close to you.

The author makes it clear that encouraging children to cooperate with us is not about manipulating them with a set of methods so that they will obey us. It is about cultivating their enterprising spirit, sense of responsibility, and the ability to understand the needs of others. If we choose our words carefully, we can avoid hurting their feelings.

Part 3

Let's talk about punishment. Many parents are used to criticising their children when they do something wrong. If criticism fails, the only recourse is punishment.

Every parent has their own reasons for punishing their children. Those who espouse the "tiger mom and wolf dad" style of parenting are unequivocal in their support of "necessary punishment." They are convinced that if a child is not punished for doing something wrong, the child will not learn from their mistake and may repeat it in the future. Those who favour positive discipline are unequivocal in their opposition to punishment. They are convinced that punishment is ineffective and will only make the child hate you, feel guilty or inferior. They believe the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.

But even parents who do not advocate punishing their children may sometimes unintentionally do so. For example, telling a child, "You did something wrong, so you are not going to have ice cream today," or "You made such a mess, so you are not going to the movies with us tonight." These statements and actions are essentially punitive towards the child, even if they are not intended to be.

The authors of this book are unequivocally opposed to all forms of punishment. They believe that punishment is ineffective and may even reduce the child's sense of guilt about the wrongdoing. The child may believe that punishment can offset their mistakes, making it easier for them to repeat them next time. Furthermore, this will distract the child from reflecting on their own misdeeds and thinking about correcting their mistakes, and instead they will focus on how to retaliate against their parents. "This process of reflection is crucial."

The author strongly advocates alternative punishments, namely letting the child experience the "natural consequences" of their actions. The "natural consequences" are the results that would occur without external intervention. I'll give you an example to make it clearer. A child is shopping with their mother in the supermarket and runs around in the aisles, easily bumping into the goods and other customers. If the mother says, "You're so reckless, you're not allowed to watch TV tonight," she is punishing the child. What alternatives are there to punishment? The author provides several alternatives:

The first thing you need to do is make it clear that you disapprove, but you mustn't attack the child's character. Tell the child, "I don't like it when you run in the aisles. It disturbs other people's shopping."

The second method is to give the child a choice: "You can either walk properly or sit in the shopping cart." "You decide."

If the child still doesn't listen, the third method is to take action. For example, you can carry the child directly to the shopping cart.

If none of these methods work and the mother has to leave the supermarket with her child, the fourth method is to let the child experience the natural consequences of their misbehaviour. The next day, the mother should not give a long lecture. She should simply leave the child at home and go shopping on her own. The child will undoubtedly realise that she didn't take him with her because he ran around in the supermarket yesterday. This is reflection. The child may beg her to give him another chance, but she should firmly tell him, "I will give you another opportunity, but today I want to go by myself." This is allowing the child to experience the natural consequences of inappropriate behaviour.

The fifth method is to tell the child how to make up for his mistakes. The next time you take your child to the supermarket, let him help you pick the fruit. This will ensure he cooperates with your actions.

If the child doesn't change, what then? The sixth method is to discuss the child's feelings and needs and then work together to find a solution. Write down all the ideas without making any judgements, then select the ones that are acceptable to both parties and put them into action. This is parents and children facing problems together.

It is important to understand that these methods are not designed to punish the child. Their purpose is to provide a way for the child to correct their wrong behaviour and learn to take responsibility. The author makes it clear that when conflicts arise between us and our children, we should not focus on fighting against each other or worrying about who will win and lose. Our focus should be on solving the problem.

Part 4

Now that we have discussed methods that replace punishment, it is time to learn to appreciate children.

As we know, there is a Chinese idiom that says "a clear distinction between reward and punishment". The author unequivocally rejects punishment in favour of appreciation. We should praise children for a number of reasons. Praise helps children develop a positive and realistic self-image. A person's self-evaluation directly affects their core values, as well as their way of thinking, emotions, hopes and life goals. Praise builds confidence and self-esteem in children, and makes them more positive about themselves.

Some people may say, "Appreciation means saying nice things, which is easy and I can do it at any time." Appreciation is not just about saying nice things. It's about choosing your words carefully and understanding some common misconceptions. Appreciation can sometimes provoke unexpected negative reactions, even when it is well-intentioned. It is therefore important to be cautious when offering appreciation.

The author states that some praise can make the person being praised doubt themselves. For example, they might ask themselves, "Does he really think I can cook?" "He's either lying or he doesn't know anything about food." Sometimes, praise can lead to denial. For example, "He praised me like that, but he didn't see how dishevelled I was an hour ago." Sometimes praise can cause pressure. For example, "They all praise me like that. I'll decide what to wear next time I attend." Appreciation can sometimes make people feel controlled and they may even suspect that you want something from them.

We always say, 'Everyone likes to hear nice things'. I want to know why people sometimes have negative reactions after hearing appreciation. The bottom line is that the appreciation is not given in the right way. The author makes a clear distinction between two types of appreciation: 'evaluative appreciation' and 'descriptive appreciation'.

The author is certain that it is "evaluative praise" that will provoke resentment in the other person. For example, words like "smart," "pretty," "perfect," "awesome," "beautiful," "pretty good," and "great" are all evaluative and put the other person in a subordinate position of being evaluated. This makes the other person feel unequal and uncomfortable. If you praise your child with these words too often, they will reject them and become discouraged. They will know these praises are not sincere and focus on their mistakes. If you say I'm already perfect, why should I try hard?

The author is clear: to encourage our children to believe in themselves and keep going, we must avoid words with evaluative meanings. How do we do that? It's simple. Replace evaluation with description. Describe what you see and feel in an appreciative tone. Children will recognise themselves in these descriptive appreciations.

For example, if your child tidies up their room, don't say, "What a good boy." Describe what you see and feel instead. For example, say, "You put everything away on the shelves and cleaned the floor." "It feels fantastic to walk into this room." This will give your child a sense of pride.

Another example is if your child knits a scarf. Instead of simply saying, "You knitted it so beautifully, it looks great," you should say something like, "I love it! It looks great." If you don't, your child may not feel confident inside and wonder, "Does Mum really like it?" "Is she just saying that?" Use descriptive words to show your child exactly what you like about their work. For example, you could say, "This bright colour is like the sunset, and you've knitted each row evenly with a thick border." "It will keep you warm in winter," the child will feel, "Mum really likes it."

The book also provides a tip: after praising your child, use a word to sum it up. For example, you have been memorising words for more than an hour, which is called patience. You said you'd be home at five o'clock, so you came home at five o'clock. That's called punctuality. You saw that the plants were drying up, so you went and watered them. That's called initiative.

It is clear that praising children also helps them establish correct values and good living habits. This allows them to gain inner strength from these daily descriptions.

Part 5

Let's move on to the final topic: encouraging children to be independent. The ultimate goal of education, whether at home or at school, is to help children become independent. Imparting knowledge is not enough. Let me tell you what it means to be independent. The renowned psychologist Adler offers a definitive definition in "The Courage to Be Happy". I have also interpreted it in the audio book column. He was clear: "Independence is to break away from the lifestyle of childhood and get rid of self-centredness." Children must stop putting themselves first and making the world revolve around them. They must gradually break away from dependence on adults and face life's challenges alone.

As children grow up, they will undoubtedly develop a self-driven desire to become independent. Their dependence on adults can lead to feelings of incompetence and worthlessness, and even resentment and frustration, which in turn causes them to become hostile towards adults. However, there are instances when children become fixated on their reliance on adults and refuse to assume responsibility.

Parents must encourage and help their children become independent. You need to encourage your child to become independent. The author provides six clear suggestions:

The first thing you need to do is let your child make more choices for themselves. Young children must obey their elders in many things. Giving children more opportunities to choose will enhance their sense of control over their lives. Start with small choices, like what clothes to wear, what dishes to eat, where to play, when to take a bath, etc. Let children make more choices, not you. Give children the chance to make their own choices, so that they will be better prepared to choose a career, lifestyle and partner when they are older.

Children must be respected for their efforts. Adults often fail to recognise the value of simple, everyday tasks. However, children are perfectly capable of doing them. Children should be encouraged when they try their best, regardless of their performance. For example, when children tie their shoes, cook, or perform on stage for the first time, they may not do a good job. That is okay. What is important is that we respect their efforts. Respect them and they will be more confident and focused. For example, if a child is enthusiastic about learning to cook and ends up making a mess in the kitchen, adults should not say, "Look at you making a mess in the kitchen, what a klutz, I'll do it." Instead, provide guidance while respecting the child's desire to learn and efforts.

The third point is this: don't ask too many questions. Once children reach a certain age, they will naturally start to think for themselves and develop their own thoughts and secrets. We mustn't pry too much and allow children to have their own independent space. Children will tell you when they want to share something with you.

The fourth point is this: when your child asks you a question, don't give them the answer straight away. Encourage them to think for themselves and find the answer. If they need help, they can seek external resources, such as neighbours, friends, professionals, libraries, and the Internet. These are all channels for solving problems. The author states, "It is most helpful to ask the child the same question back and let them think further." "The process of finding an answer is just as valuable as the question itself." If we train our children to think independently and solve problems from an early age, they will undoubtedly be able to deal with complex social issues when the time comes.

Do not destroy your child's hopes. Young people have wild dreams, and while they may be immature and not all of them may come true, parents must not easily destroy their children's dreams. You never know what talents and potential your child will have. Don't be quick to dismiss your child's potential based on their current abilities. For example, don't say, "You're not going to be an engineer just because you're struggling with maths." "You only have three minutes of interest in any given thing. You'll never amount to anything." Saying things like this will have a big impact on your child. We should encourage our children to try new things boldly.

There is a famous story about this. One evening, a six-year-old child suddenly ran outside and started playing like crazy. The little boy jumped around while shouting at his mother, "Mummy, I'm going to jump to the moon!" The mother did not scold the child for being silly or discourage the child's impractical ideas. Instead, she simply said, "Okay, just don't forget to jump back from the moon and come home for dinner!" This child would go on to become the first person in human history to set foot on the moon. Who could have guessed it? Never destroy a child's dreams. They may be the starting point for a brilliant future.

The last point is to help children free themselves from various roles and labels. Many adults, including parents and teachers, irresponsibly label children with various labels, such as "So-and-so child is stubborn by nature" or "So-and-so child is just lazy, naughty, and stupid..." These labels have a profound impact on the child's psychology and can imprison them forever in that defined role. We must stop labelling children with negative labels. Instead, we should help them free themselves from these labels and find opportunities to see a brand new self.

I have now finished introducing the core content of this book, so let us summarise.

We discussed the five main topics of communication with children: helping children deal with their feelings, encouraging children to cooperate with us, replacing punishment with effective methods, learning to appreciate children, and encouraging children to be independent.

This is a highly practical book with many specific methods and tools that you simply have to try. The right methods make communicating with children twice as effective, while the wrong ones are exhausting. I am going to answer the question of whether these methods are applicable to every child and every situation. These methods are not foolproof. They are only applicable in certain situations and with certain children. It is therefore essential to understand the psychological needs and behavioural characteristics of the child in question, as well as the underlying psychological principles, in order to apply the methods effectively.

Let me be clear: communicating with children is an endless game that requires significant time, energy, emotion and wisdom. Every child has unlimited potential. We must be more patient, ensure our children's growth is protected, and give them a happier childhood.