Today, I'm going to be discussing a book called Self-Motivated Growth.

This book is about parenting, and I guarantee that any parent will be drawn to its title. Self-motivated growth means giving children the drive to do things on their own. They won't need to be nagged every day to do their homework. They'll complete it on their own initiative. Once they've gone to university, they won't need to be told to work hard and improve themselves. They'll just do it on their own. In short, they will thrive and grow on their own without being told to do so. If your child has self-motivation, they will be the envy of all.

You may not yet have children, but that's okay. You can imagine yourself as a parent and review the education you once received.

Self-motivation is crucial. Let's be clear: children who excel at something are often the envy of others. Think of those who pass the ninth grade piano exam early or get good grades and get into a prestigious university. However, once the goal is achieved, they lose motivation to move on. They passed the ninth grade piano exam, but they no longer want to play the piano. Despite getting good grades and going to a top university, they also lost the motivation to study and play games every day.

Children would never have found themselves in these situations if they had been self-motivated. Once they enter university and achieve their goals, children with self-motivation will undoubtedly set new goals for themselves. Children with self-motivation will not be defeated by setbacks. They will cheer themselves up when they encounter them. Self-motivation is therefore more than just a specific skill. It is a meta-ability, the underlying driving force that enables a person to learn and improve their skills.

We all know the benefits of self-motivation. Parents know how to cultivate it too: by knowing the right amount of control. You must be firm with your child, but you also can't ignore them.

Many people have experienced this: when they were young, their parents were very strict with them, making a lot of demands and requiring them to learn this and that, without asking if they liked it or not. This had a hugely negative impact on their enthusiasm, and they simply got by with minimal effort, lacking any self-motivation whatsoever.

However, parents must be firm and decisive. They cannot be too lax, asking their children's opinion on everything and doing nothing if their children do not like it. This will make the child willful and unreasonable, and there is no trace of self-motivation at all.

You have to control them or they'll die. You have to let them go or they'll get out of hand. This is the dilemma that many parents must face when trying to cultivate their children's self-motivation. We must ask ourselves: why does this problem arise? This book reveals that the root of the problem lies in these parents' flawed views on child education. Parents must adjust their views on education from the bottom up if they want their children to become self-motivated. Otherwise, no matter how much effort is put in, it will be useless. They will fall into the same old trap of trying to control their children and end up with the same old result: if you control them, they die; if you let them go, they get out of hand.

The book is written by two experts: a clinical neuropsychologist from the United States and an expert in heuristic education. The book offers a wealth of relatable cases and is based on solid scientific evidence. The book makes a very impressive point: "You are the child's advisor, not the boss." This is the key to cultivating a child's self-motivation. Parents must give their children more autonomy if they want to become advisors instead of bosses. Fortunately, this book doesn't just make demands on parents without offering solutions. I will now explain the authors' solutions in three parts, outline the difficulties parents may face when giving their children more autonomy and show how to overcome them to promote children's self-motivated growth.

Let's dive into the first part. Before we begin, I want to know what you thought this book was going to be about when you first heard its name. I am certain that many parents had this expectation: they were hoping it would be a book full of practical advice. This book should be a manual that tells us how long it is appropriate for children to study each day, how many extracurricular classes they should take so that they don't get bored, and how much control we should have over their homework. If only there were such quantitative details, we could enable our children to achieve self-motivated growth by following them.

Let me be clear: if you think this way, you have already made a mistake. Chinese parents are fond of saying this: "You mustn't let your child lose at the starting line." This is a fact, whether you like it or not. The starting point is very important. Having a head start means you can struggle less for twenty years. Or, you don't think the starting point is important. You think life is a long-distance race. The key is whether you can persevere. This way of thinking immediately limits you. If you see your child's life as a competition with others, then the ultimate goal is to cross the finish line, whether it's getting good grades, going to a good university or finding a good job.

If the goal is to cross the finish line, parents can only do so much to help their children. It doesn't matter if it's finding a good teacher or going to a good school: the key is to get over the obstacles in your way. Ultimately, it is the child's responsibility to work hard and cross the finish line.

This educational outlook can be summed up in a nutshell as a challenge-effort model. When raising a child under this model, parents focus on a set goal, such as getting into university. This can clear some obstacles, but it does not provide a solution to the child's efforts. This is where the problem lies. This model expects parents to prepare their children for self-driven growth. Even if the conditions are not ideal, the child can rely on their own efforts to persevere and cross the finish line.

This model inevitably leads to the situation of "if you control them, they will die; if you let them go, they will get into trouble". It is up to parents to decide whether they want their child to work hard or not. If the child does not work hard enough, this model simply does not provide a solution. Parents will therefore inevitably fall into anxiety and a dilemma. If you try to control too much, it simply won't work. And if you try to control too little, it also won't work. If you remain under this model, there is no solution to this problem.

This book offers parents a way out of the challenge-effort model and into a new way of thinking. I'm going to tell you what it is. I have summarised this model as the pressure-sense of control model. Parents must switch their attention from a specific goal to their child's stress. The solution to letting the child grow is clear: it is no longer dependent only on the child's efforts, but also on the sense of control that parents provide to the child.

You may be wondering why this model puts pressure at the core. It's actually very simple. Pressure is a fundamental factor and the driving force behind a child's growth.

A child will undoubtedly experience stress when transferring to a new class with unfamiliar teachers and classmates. If the child can withstand the pressure and is willing to actively get to know new classmates and explore new things, we can say with confidence that the child has a relatively strong self-driven force. If a child is always in their comfort zone, never trying new things or challenging themselves to do something more difficult, they will indeed be free from stress. However, they will also lack the motivation to grow. Stress is, to a certain extent, the driving force behind self-motivated growth.

However, parents must also be aware of the other side of stress, which can harm children. It is important to understand that stress can provide the driving force for growth, but it can also have negative effects.

As the book states, the stress response system of the human brain affects human behaviour through two hormones: adrenaline and cortisol. These two hormones are what give stress its dual nature. Adrenaline is a hormone that stimulates potential. You may have heard that when a child is run over by a car, his parents can suddenly unleash great strength and lift the car up. This is because the adrenaline that is released in such a situation gives them the strength to do so. This is the effect of adrenaline. When faced with a crisis, the stress response system releases adrenaline, allowing people to achieve more than they ever thought possible. This is why children perform above average and gain confidence when faced with stress.

If the stress persists, cortisol is released. This hormone is designed to help the body cope with high-pressure situations. However, if the cortisol level in a child's body remains high for weeks or months, it can affect their memory. This is why children's learning ability can also be impaired under other stressful situations. The good news is that if the stressor can be quickly eliminated, the child's cortisol level can return to normal, and this will not cause harm to the child's development. Even unexpected events that cause stress leave a deep impression on children. This means that when they encounter a similar situation next time, it will not cause as much stress. Put simply, the child has developed as a result of the stress.

The National Scientific Council on the Developing Child in the United States categorises stress into three distinct types: positive stress, tolerable stress and toxic stress.

Positive stress is the feeling of excitement and nervousness you get when you've been practising for a long time and are about to perform on stage. This kind of stress helps children develop their full potential and perform better.

Tolerable stress refers to situations that are beyond a child's control, such as parents arguing or being bullied at school. Children can cope with this kind of stress on their own, with the support and help of adults.

Toxic stress is harmful stress. It can result from experiencing a serious violation or from enduring prolonged stress without help or support. This kind of stress has a seriously negative impact on a child's health. It makes them sensitive and vulnerable and can even cause irreversible damage to the brain.

A child is like a car running at full speed and growing rapidly. Stress is the car's power system. It is a simple fact that more stress gives the car more power, but it also makes it more likely to spin out of control and overturn. If there is a stress dashboard, then paying attention to it is paying attention to the child's growth momentum. Parents must keep an eye on the pressure gauge when cultivating their children's self-motivation. Let them experience positive pressure, give them support when they encounter manageable pressure, and avoid toxic pressure at all costs.

Part 2

I am confident that you already understand the importance of pressure to a child's growth. This brings us back to the question: why is it that when parents pay attention to pressure, children's growth relies on the sense of control that parents give them?

As I have already explained, when parents want to help their children, they are actually helping them cope with harmful stress. I'm going to tell you what causes this stress. Children will encounter problems that are beyond their control and that they cannot solve on their own.

As stated in the book, the prefrontal cortex is the main area of the brain responsible for solving stress. It is related to cognitive functions such as organisational planning, judgment and decision-making, and most importantly, impulse control. However, there is a significant issue with this: it matures very late. The decision-making and judgment functions of the prefrontal cortex will not mature until the age of 25. The emotional control function will mature even later, generally not until the age of 32. It is therefore clear that when it comes to child development, the steering wheel of the car cannot be handed over to the child from the very beginning. Parents must not simply sit back and do nothing. Parents must remain in the driving seat until the child is mature enough to take over. This means watching over the child, helping them, and even taking the wheel in times of crisis.

Parents must switch their thinking model from focusing on the final goal to focusing on the pressure on the child. This is the only way for the child to grow up better. The solution is simple: instead of expecting the child to work hard, provide the child with helpful pressure and solve harmful pressure.

We must help children deal with harmful stress. The book states that a sense of control is the antidote to stress. This is the key to solving the problem. A psychological experiment was conducted in which a person was placed in a very noisy environment, which caused them to become very anxious. However, the solution was simple: a bell was placed next to the person, and the person could ring it. The experiment proved that even if the bell was fake and ringing, it would not turn off the noise. It would, however, reduce the person's anxiety level. Furthermore, it is a common preference for people to choose driving over flying, despite the latter being a safer mode of transport. Flying simply does not offer the same sense of control as driving, which is why it causes more stress.

If we simply say that we want to provide a sense of control, many parents will misunderstand. Let me be clear: that is not what we mean. They will assume that providing a sense of control means giving the child complete freedom to make their own decisions. This is yet another example of the false dichotomy that too much control leads to death and too little leads to chaos. This still doesn't address the fundamental problem. It is not. I think it's important to recognise that the core issue in the goal-effort model is that the child's effort is both the thing being controlled and the thing being let go of. Let me be clear: what is being controlled and let go of here? The child's choice is what is being controlled. This difference makes the original dilemma disappear.

This is not a question of choosing between authoritarianism and permissiveness. Parents have these ideas because, when faced with a specific problem, they first set a constraint for themselves. They know they have to help their children choose, and they know they have to make the best choice.

Many parents disagree when they hear this. They are not perfectionists and never thought they had to make the best choice for their children. Is that really the case? I think it is. I'll give you an example. Let's say your child has just finished junior high school and is faced with a choice. He has the opportunity to go to a particularly good high school, but most of his classmates are going to another, average high school, and he really wants to go there. At this time, you should give your child the autonomy to give up that particularly good high school.

I believe most parents would encourage their children to attend the better high school, telling them, "This is for your own good, and you'll thank me later." This is a choice that can affect a lifetime. You can't afford to let your child choose casually. While this is a special case, parents often make similar choices when their children face other choices. They do so for the same reason: they believe it is best for their children.

Let me be clear: when a parent says, "I'll leave it to you," it doesn't end there. There are at least three things parents must do behind this sentence.

First, you must help them eliminate things they are not yet ready to do, or things they cannot bear the consequences of. Forcing them to do these things is counterproductive and will only increase their stress. Let me give you an example. If your child is still in kindergarten and their logical thinking skills are not yet developed, there is absolutely no need for you to ask them to learn to code just because children's programming courses are particularly popular.

Parents must also refrain from interfering with decisions that children can make for themselves. This allows them to gain experience and gradually build their skills. The key question is this: what are the things that children can decide for themselves? It's straightforward. It's about those things where, while his decision may not be your first choice, it's not out of line. These are the things that children can decide for themselves. Let the child decide for himself and he will feel in control.

The third thing is to let the child face the consequences of their choice. This creates a feedback loop between choice and consequence. Parents must resist the temptation to deal with the consequences themselves. The child should have to bear them. This is the only way the child will get real feedback and have a personal experience the next time a similar problem arises. Parents should not worry. If the first thing is done well, the situation where the child cannot bear the consequences will not arise.

As with choosing a school, whether you choose a particularly good one or an average one, you should give your child the choice and let him bear the consequences of his choice. If you, as a parent, still feel reluctant, remember that choosing a high school is a big deal. You should give him the chance to make his own decisions on smaller matters earlier on. This will help him learn to deal with the consequences of his imperfect decisions. He will make the same decisions as you or even better decisions than you when faced with such important decisions, after having had a wealth of experience in making choices.

Giving children a sense of control does not mean giving up on them. Parents must learn to manage themselves well. They should not be anxious when their children make less than perfect decisions. They must manage their emotions and support their children unconditionally. The book also provides many ways for parents to overcome their anxiety. I won't go into detail here, but if you're interested, you can read the original book. Get the e-book here.

Part 3

We have already discussed stress and a sense of control in the stress-control model. But does this mean that if parents keep a close eye on their children's stress and manage their sense of control, their children will grow up independently?

It is not yet the case. Children must be helped to establish their own internal motivation if they are to grow up independently. Parents cannot and should not sit in the passenger seat of their children's growth car. Ultimately, the children must be given complete control of the car. Once the child has mastered driving, the key to self-driven growth is whether they are willing to take on greater challenges and improve their abilities. Parents must help their children establish intrinsic motivation before they leave the passenger seat. This way, children will be willing to set challenges for themselves and solve them during the growth process.

I'd like to know how you do this. The most obvious way to do this is to give the child rewards so that they can feel a sense of achievement. Games are addictive because they provide instant feedback and rewards for good performance, which gives people a sense of achievement. Players will take the initiative to challenge more difficult tasks in order to get more rewards. However, this approach has significant drawbacks. While external rewards can encourage children to overcome challenges, they can also lead to other issues. Such incentives are not a long-term solution. As soon as the rewards lose their appeal or the tasks become too challenging, these incentives will cease to exist. This can even make children dependent on external rewards, and they will not study hard without them.

It is therefore crucial to help children establish an internal desire mechanism to understand that learning itself can satisfy their internal needs in order to establish intrinsic motivation. The book references the theory of two psychologists, Deci and Ryan, which identifies three crucial internal needs for fostering children's intrinsic motivation: the need for autonomy, the need for competence, and the need for affiliation.

The first and most important need is autonomy. This means giving the child the freedom to make their own choices when faced with challenges. This gives the child a sense of control. This way, the child will know that he is making his own choices and that he is working hard because he wants to, not because he is looking for external rewards and praise. If parents have already done a good job of letting the child make his own decisions, then they can easily satisfy the child's need for autonomy.

The second need is for competence. Help children build their confidence to take on challenges. This confidence is not about being able to do things well. It is about having the feeling that you can handle things well. Parents should help children meet this need by encouraging them to take on challenges and build their confidence. This means helping them to understand their own abilities, rather than doing tasks for them to reduce the difficulty. Your child's grades may not be particularly good, but you can still express your recognition of his efforts and be proud of him.

Children need to feel cared for and loved. I'm sure we've all had this experience: we liked a certain subject at school, not because the content was particularly appealing, but because the teacher cared about us. I was willing to put in more effort in this subject because I liked this teacher. Your child will tell himself that you care about him, not how many points he gets, when he can feel your unconditional love.

You may find the three elements of cultivating your child's intrinsic motivation a bit abstract, but they are important to understand. I'll give you an example from a book to help you understand. Your child has failed the final exam and got a very bad grade. How should you encourage him? You could say, "I know you are not satisfied with this grade, and I know you have put in a lot of effort. I can help you prepare for the next exam. Let's talk. This kind of feedback shows empathy, satisfying the need for belonging. It then tells the child that there is room for improvement, satisfying the need for competence. The sentence ends with the words "if you want", which makes the child feel in control and satisfies his inner needs.

In short, you must build your child's intrinsic motivation when they feel frustrated, at a loss, or lose interest in something. You mustn't just focus on one of his needs. You also need to consider his competence needs, intrinsic needs and autonomy needs. This is what the dialogue above is all about. I am certain that this will help your child build his own intrinsic motivation and ultimately achieve self-driven growth.

In summary, this book has now introduced the core content. In conclusion, if you want to cultivate your child's self-driven motivation, you must first examine your own education model. If you are still focusing on a certain goal and expect your child to work hard to achieve it, you will fall into the trap of trying to control too much and end up with failure. Alternatively, if you try to control too little, you will end up with chaos. The first thing you need to do is switch your education model to the pressure-control model. Shift your focus from specific goals to your child's stress. Then, when your child faces a choice, help him eliminate options that he is not yet ready for. You must also overcome your anxiety and let him bear the consequences of his choice when he makes a poor choice. Finally, if your child encounters difficulties, do not motivate him with external rewards. Instead, tell him, "I believe in you," and give him ways to improve and plenty of room for choice.